Queen of Tarts

My life has improved a great deal after leaving home, but it's also put a strain on things financially. Just in general. There are neighbors who are worse off than me but they somehow make it work, but I don't see how they do it. I can barely afford what I'm keeping up now. I'm in this situation because my past one became too unbearable to deal with. It was better to just die than have to endure certain people, or face paranoid fears and delusions. If I ever have to go back to that situation, I don't know what to do. It's why I like collecting pills, I guess. The only reason I coped before I moved here was because all the dangerous implements were taken out of the house. Even on medication, I wanted to take out my own rage and hatred on myself since I couldn't take it out on the people I felt deserved it.

I've become very bitter. I'm trying to remember what it was like to be happy. Things have improved, and I'm not miserable any more, but I feel...Empty. I think without meds I'd be up to my old tricks again and would only leave my house when I needed to. I might not be miserable because of meds, but I sure as fuck am not happy either. It's like being in the middle of both extremes while feeling hollow at the same time. Sometimes I feel indifferent, sometimes I feel helpless. There is no consistent emotion. There never was, really, but I also had more stability mental-wise at one point and that was fucking destroyed. Not just by other people but by myself as well. It's hell living inside your own head, even worse than what other people can do or say to you.

There are days I want to sleep and never get up. Sometimes I don't. I'd rather sleep the whole day away, and there are times I do when given the chance. A family member used to talk about this and I never understood it then, but I do now.

July 7th, 2015

It's been difficult coping the last few days without falling on destructive habits. Paranoia made somewhat better by meds, depression I can't shake, irrational rage, exhaustion in spite of sleep. I feel dead, or just drained dry.

I'm just thankful I have meds, because otherwise, I dunno what I'd be doing right now. I feel like taking a few sleeping pills and blocking it all out. Good fucking Christ do I feel drained and weak. Typing this out barely makes me feel any better. I want to do nothing but sleep. I wish there was something I could do with this feeling besides wanting to hurt myself over and over again. I don't have the energy or will to do even that, though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Gaming is making things bearable. I don't want to think any more.

May 13th, 2015

A friend of mine went to jail over something that was supposedly settled months ago. Her significant other flat out lied to her, and now she's reaping the benefits of that lie. I feel so bad for her, and wish I could help her out, but there's no way I can post/help post bail, so I don't know what's going to happen.

I'm also receiving constant phone calls from a debt collector. My therapist had me taken to the local hospital last year before crisis center came, and the hospital did it's damndest to rack up a bill, even though the nut house I was admitted to did the EXACT same tests. For fucking FREE. And my father willingly gave them my number, acting like there was nothing wrong with it. I don't have the money to foot the bill, and I would have stayed in her office until Crisis Center came, but somehow, that step was bypassed and now I have a several thousand dollar hospital stay AND a doctor fee for a doctor who was in the room all of one minute.

My therapist told me to ignore it. The hospital turned it over to a collection agency. Not sure that was the best thing to do.