Sm0t

From leex
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I hate having emotions, especially ones that make me cry. I've been this way for as long as I can remember thanks to not only being bullied at school for it but also my dad either checking out emotionally or giving me verbal abuse whenever I started to cry as a kid (especially when he was the one who caused it, it seemed); I remember being a kid and wishing I could have my tear ducts surgically removed so that maybe then dad would love me.

If something stresses me out or upsets me enough that I start shedding tears, I try to will myself so hard to stop more from falling. And when that doesn't work I get embarrassed at myself for crying at all (especially if I was with other people), which just stresses me out further and I start to cry harder. I don't like that my crying attracts so much attention from others that may be with me; I want so badly to just disappear from existence when it happens. I feel repulsed when other people touch me or offer me comfort, sympathy, etc. because of my emotions, because I get the feeling that those people think I'm too emotionally weak to handle a situation and needed to be treated like I was made of glass and I absolutely hate it. I don't understand why I can't control these emotions like it seems like the rest of the world can.