Golly

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Having a drunkversation with my mom about all manner of things before fixating on just how much she wants to leave my dad is not my idea of an enjoyable evening. She's told me this ~4 years ago, and has occasionally brought it up ever since. Tonight being one of those occasions. And in light of the past few weeks, it's definitely been one of the more convincing ones.I try to be brave, of course. I'm 22 and my brother is entering college this year. I'm not a 10 year old who doesn't understand the logistics behind failed relationships. I understand why she feels the way she does, too. I've asked her if she would consider staying with dad if he fixed everything after going to some kind of magical rehab program, and she said yes. So there's that. But it still hurts more than I would like it to. Does anyone here know how to deal with this? I feel like I'm faced with two options: distraction or excessive feels. I don't want to wallow in self pity, but I don't want to bottle anything up that could manifest itself as something ugly later on.

May 27th, 2015[edit | edit source]

So yeah. Same old I guess? Dad's been drinking again. I leave for 2 months, and my family convinces me they have shit on lockdown. Dad will go to rehab/be kicked out/learn the consequences of his actions. Nope. I came back less than three weeks ago and he's gotten drunk twice with very little effort to improve himself. He's Connor if Connor had a drinking problem and managed to reproduce. In fact, since Connor has no desire to drink, he may even be better than my dad. Congratulations, Connor [insert final Evangelion scene here]. Tonight was the second time he got too drunk to function since my return.

Until now, Dad, for lack of anything better to do, has been available to drive me around and pay for my voice lessons. Before leaving, I was beginning to see how ridiculous this was. Ironically, I have a license, but have always been very anxious about driving. Partly because anxiety, but fuck psychological excuses. It's inexperience and the fact that I haven't worn glasses regularly until nearly a year ago. Can't really drive confidently if you can't see clearly lol. My license has a vision impairment mention, so it's really just been up to me, but I've been too chicken shit to just up and do it.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the local driving school for my first refresher's driver's lesson and we'll take it from there. The money I've earned cashiering over the past few months, paired with my savings, will be enough to buy me lessons and a hopefully tolerable first car. I can't have a weak and hurtful man have this level of control over my life anymore. I wish I had a more positive reason to invoke this strong desire to take action for myself, but I guess any motivation is better than none?

Wish me luck, Kiwis.