Atsimuel

From leex
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I'm not really comfortable with this, but shit, since my mental health team are either incompetent or apathetic (and that's not just my opinion, the local NHS Trust has terrible independent review scores when it comes to mental health) I literally don't have any other option.

Basically, I'm fucked. In the past six years since everything started I've only gotten worse, and it's gotten to the point that I can barely leave the house. I'm 23 now, and it just feels like my life is being eaten away. I've pretty much exhausted every kind of therapy and nothing's worked, and I've lost count of how many different medications I've been put on. I've dropped out of like four different colleges in the past six years. I managed to last about a year and a half at work, which was a fucking miracle, but that couldn't last either - it was probably nearly two years ago that I quit. I could talk about what I've been diagnosed with, but to cut a long story short, the problem is simply that I hate myself. Like, really, really hate myself. I hate most aspects of my personality and I completely despise how ugly I am, and I how I come across to people. I have a pretty bad self harm problem, so my arm's pretty fucked up and scarred. I've made a massive effort to change all those things, but i can throw as many different affectations up as I want, people can still sense the same dweeby sub-social shithead I was when I was at school . Maybe. I don't know. I just want to be someone else. I have nothing to show for my life. My cousin, who's the same age, is getting married in a few months. That's going to be fun for me. Except, of course, I don't think I'm going to be able to stay alive that long anyway, so swings and roundabouts I guess.

You know, I'm gonna stop here. It's all just a tangled ball of shit and I could write a whole wall of text about my problems, and no-one wants to see all my dirty laundry. Besides, I'm starting to sound like when the Sluthaters raided minus all the rampant axe-crazy misogyny.


TL;DR, my avatar has never seemed so appropriate.